The Cold Approach

Wednesday - Good

2009-07-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

Been putting in rough 8 hour days. Is beneficially pretty calming.

My goal has been to ask 3 strangers 3 questions everyday. When I am walking I look at people and try to come up with good questions to ask them.

The main thing that happens is you have questions to ask people but are afraid that they are stupid or offensive or will result in the person walking away.

But you just have to ask them anyway.

Today I went to regular coffee shop and sat at the bar area next to a young lady with a laptop. I sat there about 30min without saying anything, then as leaving (with the excuse/safety of my leaving) I commented she is working late. She smiled and said yep (as opposed to being annoyed and angry at me). I asked her what she was doing. Shes a dietician. I asked her how long that takes as in school. She said one year after undergrad. So, I asked one stranger two questions today. Thats better than asking no strangers no questions. Other questions i suppose I mightve asked the dietician are: whyd you get in to that?, do you eat well?, how long you been in the city?, how old are you?. I kind of disqualified myself since I weigh 120lbs and she is a normal size adult female and I feel I am physically repulsive/ out of the league of women like that. (most women).

One other comment of note to make myself feel like I am a good person: also on coffee shop saw bicycle girl from the other day. I have seen her three times now. I said hello to her. I considered sitting with her at her empty table but after I said hello her response seemed very rejecting of me. So I kept walking. I think I mightve misinterpreted her response. I dont think it was necessarily rejecting. Soon after this episode she left in what seemed like a disappointment. It made me think maybe she was disappointed I didnt talk to her. Just dont know.

Oh well. Good job and keep increasing questions asked!

Excuses

2009-06-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

Before talking to a person it always seems safer if you have an excuse; like you are compelled to talk to them not because you want to but because of circumstance.

I mean in reality we are talking to pretty much anybody in order to develop social comfortableness and overcome social anxiety.

I'm sure I wouldn't mind somebody talking to me for that reason, but I would much prefer somebody talking to me because they thought I was attractive or interesting.

However it feels very risky to say "hi I wanted to talk to you because you are attractive". Too scary to do, especially when I can barely walk in a bar alone.

So anyway I thought of a I think a pretty good excuse to hold personally, although still awkward to disclose I feel. Three facts about three strangers. Its a goal to keep. And has measurable results. I will come back here and post my three facts about three strangers nightly. And they have to be facts that are not visible; no cheating like "Person X was wearing a black shirt".

I guess this is more a motivation than an excuse. But if I am focused on fact gathering it may help motivate overcoming the initial anxiety, and structure the interaction.

Saturday June 27

2009-06-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

COLD APPROACH IS BACK. [Heavily re-motivated by this blog]. Read new "About" section for updated perspective and goals. Onwards:

PRE: Eye is acting up and cannot wear contacts. Therefore have to wear goofy glasses which I feel draw attention to me or cause people to prejudge me and this will significantly decrease my chances of entering a bar. However did successfully cold approach a woman from earlier in the day at a coffee shop. We were sitting at the coffee shop bar and I had been wanting to talk to her but could not bring self to. Rejected all possible things to say as inferior. As she started to leave she whipped out a huge bicycle helmet and put it on the table and I asked her if she biked and commented that it was a big helmet. She laughed and said she didnt have a car and she was borrowing the helmet. Then left. So even if I dont go into bar today, already have one CA under my belt. HOORAH. Nobody in life gives you anything; and some people actively take it away.

POST: Drove through bar area. Saw a guy. He was bigger than me physically as most people are. I am light as shit. Feel bad about it, like people dont respect light people. Saw some cops. Drove around. Wasted gas. Didnt go in. Knew that was going to happen. Dont like going in places wearing glasses; prefer contacts. Its a big thing. Feel disappointed but glad I am back on the blog. Also glad I am not the only one in this position.

sat - fail

2008-07-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

Havent posted in a while: havent gone out in a while.

Went out tonight and went into a bar and sat RIGHT NEXT to a group of easily approachable girls (i.e. they were sort of chubby, quiet; could easily have talked to them). Didnt though. First night out in a while and I'm shy: thats the whole point of doing this, to help overcome shyness.

Its good being out though and in a bar around people with the sights and sounds and whatnot. Life has a lot to offer to the non socially anxious.

weekend = bust

2008-06-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a bust. Problem is massive paucity of targets within reachable distance of my location.

All the same, I am still shy. Approach anxiety etc. So I think the cognitive trick I am going to apply is the time-block; the same one I used to get myself to go into a bar alone for the first time.

I just need a good and polite way to end conversations. That way I can say "ok I am going to go make conversation with this woman for 90 seconds and that will be it." Then as I get more comfortable for that length of time I can slowly increase the length of the interaction.

Anyway thus far we've successfully cold approached 3 women. Here's to this week increasing that.

fri

2008-06-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

went out to a new bar. i would say there were about 30 males in the room and about 5 girls. yep those are pretty good odds. drank a fucking beer and went home. probably need to go out later still (this was at 11) and to ... different bars.

so anyway no ca today. at least i went out though.

thurs - meh

2008-06-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

Went into a bar which is a good, because there really seem to be good opportunities in bars for conversing with strangers.

However, sat next to these two bitches, one a regular, talking and really shouldve said something to either introduce myself or something, but failed to. So sat in silence for like 20min drinking a beer while they blabbered on infinitely.

Kind if excruciating but I got closer tonight than ever because I went and I will go back out tomorrow night.

The key is you just have to get Zen. You dont have to preplan anything or map out the cognitive scripts and frames of a girl's life and the present interaction. You just listen to yourself and the processes going on inside your body. Inside me is a strong and ever present anxiety regarding social interaction. Its there and I havent been able to overcome it. I think the only thing that will overcome it is exposure. Just like I was afraid of entering bars, I did it once, and now I can pretty much go into anyone I have no fear regarding that. I just need to strike up a conversation with a single girl and I will no longer have fear regarding that. Right now I'm just sitting on the otherside of the mountain.

Anyway time to whack it to internet ladies, read about AI all day tomorrow, and then go out again tomorrow night. Shrugs.

weds - fail

2008-06-26T05:34:00.001-07:00

Didnt update yesterday; didnt even go out. Masturbated to pornography literally all day and had no motivation to. Ah, student loan money.

Anyway I'm finding a problem is sleep. I drop dead (sleepwise) at 11pm. However, thats pretty much when most bars are getting started. I guess most horny people want to ensure their cognition is sufficiently impaired to ensure their better judgment doesn't get in the way. But anyway, I don't want to fuck random sluts who would fuck me; thats not interesting. I want to develop my social skills and conversation.

So anyway today hopefully I will a) not kill my motivation on internet girls and b) start to be able to stay up later in order for an opportunity to interact with late night sluts.

tues - fail

2008-06-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Went to coffee shop; no easy targets. Pussied out at the bar where there actually were targets.

So I've been doing this for a week with 3 successful approaches. Better than nothing although not on schedule. We'll keep plugging.

The problem is I like to go to sleep at 11 and most bars with sociable women arent populated until 11. I should really be able to maintain normal sleep cycle and a social life but whatevs.

Mon - Successo

2008-06-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

A meager success but such all the same.

In coffee shop, see sort of homely girl working on laptop alone at bar. Drink coffee elsewhere then upon leaving to deposit my used coffee cup I walk up next to her.

"Working on a Monday night huh?"

"What?"

"Working on a Monday night huh?"

"Oh, yeah. Hehe"

I smile, tap the bar, and leave.

So yeah, work on say transitioning from a banal observation opener into a deeper conversation. But still, props for adding to the experience repertoire.

Sunday

2008-06-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

Funny sad story.

In coffee shop (c.s.) at table, see attractive girl alone at bar (the bar in the coffee shop).

Move to go sit next to her (well 2 chairs down).

Too self-conscious since there is a guy sitting at a table behind the bar who could see I moved place. So therefore basically didn't say anything to her.

Then I told myself I would when I got up to leave, I would just comment "that sun is something huh" since the bar is close to a window and the sun was bright.

Instead when I get up to leave I look right at her, I think she expects me to say something to her, and I chicken out.

When I left i felt sad; like I felt I rejected her because she expected me to say hello.

Oh well. Got a book by Eric Berne called "What do you say after you say hello." Its quite interesting, bordering between crackpot and genius.

Sat

2008-06-22T06:47:00.001-07:00

Doh!

Missed updating yesterday.

Nothing happened. Stayed in room all day. Was going to get Berne's "Games People Play" but decided against it. Might get it today. Probably will.

Debating cold approach philosophically. I realize that I do it because I need validation. But girls don't want to give you validation. That's not what theyre in it for. So you have a total mismatch if you try to go into it for validation. But without winning validation whats the point? Even if you just say to have sex, thats some sort of validation.

So yeah, I guess its about validation. You just have to hide that you need it I guess. It is also about personal development as mentioned.

Because yeah when I was in that bar on Friday, there were plenty of girls I could have approached. I just couldnt think of anything to say so I didn't.

Anyway today I think we might be back in the coffee shop.

Fri

2008-06-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

Not too hot. My roommate invited me to a party which ended up being 6 guys and one pretty hot but not a girl I could mesh with type girl. She was pretty hot though.

We ended up going to a bar. Three of the six guys ended up chatting up random girls in the bar and I was like damn I wish I could do that.

My inability to really mesh at all with the girl from the party killed my self-confidence and I just stood there like an idiot all night with my roommate who wasnt into talking to girls either.

So the thing is chatting up randoms in a bar is a real mystery to me. I have no idea what say a 3 minute conversation would be like, from cold approach to end. I really feel I need to have a general idea of what I am doing before I attempt it.

So anyway, no actual cold approach, but I did interact with a stranger female (i.e. the one from the party) which is what its all about really.

She was tall, brunette, wearing a short skirt and was just really sexy. Sure wish I could figure out how to do stuff about it!

Thurs - A+

2008-06-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well, not an A+ but I did cold approach, with a little bit of luck.

Went to a different coffee shop to read and was sitting and it just so happened a girl that seemed to be part of a group ended up sitting at the table next to me alone. I ignored her for a while thinking she was midage but then she got up and came back and I noticed she was young and likely with the huge group of young people (all wearing nametags) that was crowding the shop.

I asked her if they were a summer camp.

No, they were an orientation group for a local college.

Cool. I went back to reading.

How can you read in here it's so loud? She asked.

Oh it's not that loud in here. I answered. I noticed one of her friends was like smiling or laughing at her, like her talking to me was of significance.

She said it's not that loud now.

It got quiet just when you asked I laughed.

Back to reading. I am a very defensive interactor; that's why I'm doing this cold approach thing.

The crowd around the counter died down and I went to order. There was some awkwardness when I came back; I didn't want to sit in the same place to seem weird like I was expecting continuing the interaction but I didn't want to sit far away like I was rejecting her. So I sat moderately close and she called to a friend and left. The end.

Weds

2008-06-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

Minor success. A girl I had never talked to but I recognized from my school was at the coffee shop in front of me in line. So I cold approached that bitch. I just asked her if she goes to [school] and she said yeah and that I looked familiar. Then we had a little conversation about our respective grades. The thing is, would I have broached her without the success of last night? Probably not. I can almost guarantee it. So yeah this was a lukewarm approach as opposed to full on cold but I'll count it since I'm not going out again and it was still not super easy. DAYS SINCE NO COLD APPROACH: 2.

Tuesday - Success

2008-06-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hanging in the coffee shop again today, this time at the bar. It was pretty crowded. An attractive girl and I guess what was her mom sat next to me due to there being nowhere else to sit. Really can't ask for a better set up than that. Except for the mom part I guess.

Anyway they sat there and I knew this was perfect but I couldnt immediately do anything. They sort of noticed me and I noticed them and they went back to paying attention to each other, sitting quietly though.

Eventually I asked if they were having a nice night. They both said yes and the girl asked 'you?' and I smiled and said 'yep'. And that is a cold approach. First one. Didn't follow up the conversation there.

The girl went back up to retrieve her coffee and then I asked the mother what she (the mother) ordered. She told me then told me they were in town to see some symphony that already played. I was interested that such was happening and remarked I didn't even know that it was happening. She laughed that some things in your own city you don't know. Then her buzzer went off and she went to get her coffee. I left.

So anyway tonight was a success and the first cold approach of the summer. Obviously not a lot happened and I need to work on offering more conversationally. The thing that bothers me is the conditions were just perfect for that cold approach: two quiet women sitting right next to you in a coffee shop bar (usually the bar is empty). Hopefully with one under my belt I can prevail in situations that require more aggression in approaching.

Monday

2008-06-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Monday is also a crappy day for cold approaching.

All the same, I was in the coffee shop today and there were two girls at the table behind me. It is extremely hard to broach a table, as a table is like an island of social blockade.

So anyway I was sitting there and my plan was that as I got up to leave and adjusted my stuff I would casually make some sort of remark to them. Like I would look their way (this is like a foot away) and if I caught eye contact I would say "studying hard?" See, just saying that to me sounds f'ing stupid.

So I chickened out and said nothing.

I knew before chickening out that if I just said one fucking thing no matter how stupid and just endured the torture and left immediately: like 2 seconds of torture, I would've felt like a king the whole day.

Well, better luck next time. No pain no gain.

Sunday

2008-06-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sunday is a hard day for cold approaches. As such today was a failure and I talked to no one.

Welcome

2008-06-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

This blog is for chronicling and motivating me in my cold approaching women in public places.

Although the sex factor is undeniable, my main purpose in doing this is accelerated personal growth. I want to develop social poise and self-confidence in as short a time as possible. And I want to learn about other people and see 'what is out there'. It's sort of like going traveling except I will be traveling from soul to soul rather than city to city. Much cheaper too :).

I do believe that the skills I will develop in approaching and chatting with women will transfer over to all aspects of my life and I will happier and wiser for it.

I am a painfully shy individual to the point where I don't like walking into bars. However, through meditation I have managed to control that to the point where it won't be a major hindrance. My last tactic in overcoming inhibition and fear is the following frame: if I want to talk to a girl, it will all be over 2-15 minutes. No matter how bad and embarrassing and awkward a time I having, it will fucking be over in a couple of minutes. In fact I look at my watch before I approach and if say it's 8:15 I say to myself, 'well, life is going to suck until ~8:20. Then it will be normal again.' I have found it is a powerful tactic in overcoming initial shyness.

So my goal is to approach one women everyday for the rest of the summer. Maybe if I get good at it more per day. At the end of the summer I will have approached 60+ women, have 60+ stories to tell, and they will all have been recorded right here.